Struggles with Food

I have an eating disorder.  As long as I can remember I've always had an eating disorder.  It's a part of me.  I hate it, but I accept it.  This acceptance has taken many, many, years to come.  But it doesn't mean I like it.  I have an unhealthy relationship with food and I know a lot of it has come from environmental factors growing up.  My mother, bless her cotton socks, was obsessed with weight and diet and I was taught from an early age that being overweight was a bad thing.  Before I go on, I must say other than this my mum was great and I loved her.  She was caring and nurturing, but she had very fixed ideas of what girls should be like and what they should be doing.  I was probably a big disappointment, but I know she loved me and was trying her best.  She too is a product of her generation and upbringing which placed a huge emphasis on looks and a woman's proper place so I have grown to be more understanding and tolerant, but the mental scars still remain.

My teenage years were terrible!  It was the '80's and the ideal body was borderline anorexic thin, no fat rolls to be found, and long legs.  I was neither of these things.  I was miserable, and my self-confidence was shot.  I felt like everyone was against me and I received a lot of criticism about my appearance and apparent laziness and people liked to treat me like I was stupid.  My childhood best friend deserted me after I embarrassed her, my mother had me on every fad diet, my much older sister would constantly nag at me telling me I was lazy, fat, greedy.  I went from being an outgoing, happy, social child to a borderline agoraphobic teenager, secretly binge eating my emotions.  My family spent a lot of weekends and holidays at the beach and much as I love anything beach or water related, I spent much of my time indoors, buried in books and living the fantasy lives of the characters I was reading about.  I didn't fear leaving the house so much as I feared people looking at me.  I felt they must be laughing at me, talking about me, judging me and being disgusted by me.  Was I truly "fat"?  I look back on photos and I see a child with chubby cheeks, but honestly not really that much overweight.  I would stare into the mirror and I thought my hair was beautiful, I liked the colour of my eyes (hazel green), my lips were nicely shaped and pink without lipstick, but I would examine myself to find out why I wasn't liked, why I was constantly criticised, and in final years of school, why were the girls so mean to me, excluding me?  Something was definitely wrong with me.  To this day I am constantly self-conscious of how I look and what people must be thinking.  In reality, 9 out of 10 people probably don't notice me walking around and living my life, and if they did I would just be another face in the crowd. 

Onto my late teens/early twenties, I now felt unlovable.  I was scared of being touched, I was petrified of letting anyone see me naked, most of all I was petrified that nobody would ever love me.   Recipe for disaster.  I realise now that I spent a lot of time pushing people away.  It was better to be alone than be used and discarded or rejected outright.  I felt that if a boy were to see me naked he would be repelled and it would lead to more hurt.  I didn't want to be hurt again when friends turned out to not really be friends.  My senior high school year was filled with bullying and exclusion at a new school and the only "friends" I made bullied me too.  Thank goodness that's over.  All of this led me to cling onto an unhealthy relationship for too many years (17+), the cycle repeating in an unhappy relationship where I felt unattractive, stressed and alone.

So what does all the above have to do with food struggles?  Food gave me enjoyment, for a few minutes it made me forget and made me happy.  I know I sound like an alcoholic or drug abuser, and I'm not a doctor or scientist, but I sense that the chemical response in my brain, the positive happy memories, from when I ate sugar (my drug of choice) is the same as occurs in others with addictions.

Today, 30+ years on from my teens, I still struggle with food choices.  I'm either all in and healthy eating with no fast food, no snacking on chips, lollies or chocolate; or I have a carb-filled fridge and pantry and have no idea how to get off the slippery-slide of bad food choices and back into healthier eating.  Currently, I am struggling with the unhealthy eating.  And by unhealthy, I don't mean I get Maccas every day or have my pantry filled with biscuits and chips, but I am eating a lot of bread products, icecream has become regular and I'm back to considering how "filling" or big a serve is when deciding on a meal.  I feel that I need to get all the negativity out, tidy up my brain so I can move forward and live a healthier, happier life and have a healthy relationship with food.