Struggles with Food

I have an eating disorder.  As long as I can remember I've always had an eating disorder.  It's a part of me.  I hate it, but I accept it.  This acceptance has taken many, many, years to come.  But it doesn't mean I like it.  I have an unhealthy relationship with food and I know a lot of it has come from environmental factors growing up.  My mother, bless her cotton socks, was obsessed with weight and diet and I was taught from an early age that being overweight was a bad thing.  Before I go on, I must say other than this my mum was great and I loved her.  She was caring and nurturing, but she had very fixed ideas of what girls should be like and what they should be doing.  I was probably a big disappointment, but I know she loved me and was trying her best.  She too is a product of her generation and upbringing which placed a huge emphasis on looks and a woman's proper place so I have grown to be more understanding and tolerant, but the mental scars still remain.

My teenage years were terrible!  It was the '80's and the ideal body was borderline anorexic thin, no fat rolls to be found, and long legs.  I was neither of these things.  I was miserable, and my self-confidence was shot.  I felt like everyone was against me and I received a lot of criticism about my appearance and apparent laziness and people liked to treat me like I was stupid.  My childhood best friend deserted me after I embarrassed her, my mother had me on every fad diet, my much older sister would constantly nag at me telling me I was lazy, fat, greedy.  I went from being an outgoing, happy, social child to a borderline agoraphobic teenager, secretly binge eating my emotions.  My family spent a lot of weekends and holidays at the beach and much as I love anything beach or water related, I spent much of my time indoors, buried in books and living the fantasy lives of the characters I was reading about.  I didn't fear leaving the house so much as I feared people looking at me.  I felt they must be laughing at me, talking about me, judging me and being disgusted by me.  Was I truly "fat"?  I look back on photos and I see a child with chubby cheeks, but honestly not really that much overweight.  I would stare into the mirror and I thought my hair was beautiful, I liked the colour of my eyes (hazel green), my lips were nicely shaped and pink without lipstick, but I would examine myself to find out why I wasn't liked, why I was constantly criticised, and in final years of school, why were the girls so mean to me, excluding me?  Something was definitely wrong with me.  To this day I am constantly self-conscious of how I look and what people must be thinking.  In reality, 9 out of 10 people probably don't notice me walking around and living my life, and if they did I would just be another face in the crowd. 

Onto my late teens/early twenties, I now felt unlovable.  I was scared of being touched, I was petrified of letting anyone see me naked, most of all I was petrified that nobody would ever love me.   Recipe for disaster.  I realise now that I spent a lot of time pushing people away.  It was better to be alone than be used and discarded or rejected outright.  I felt that if a boy were to see me naked he would be repelled and it would lead to more hurt.  I didn't want to be hurt again when friends turned out to not really be friends.  My senior high school year was filled with bullying and exclusion at a new school and the only "friends" I made bullied me too.  Thank goodness that's over.  All of this led me to cling onto an unhealthy relationship for too many years (17+), the cycle repeating in an unhappy relationship where I felt unattractive, stressed and alone.

So what does all the above have to do with food struggles?  Food gave me enjoyment, for a few minutes it made me forget and made me happy.  I know I sound like an alcoholic or drug abuser, and I'm not a doctor or scientist, but I sense that the chemical response in my brain, the positive happy memories, from when I ate sugar (my drug of choice) is the same as occurs in others with addictions.

Today, 30+ years on from my teens, I still struggle with food choices.  I'm either all in and healthy eating with no fast food, no snacking on chips, lollies or chocolate; or I have a carb-filled fridge and pantry and have no idea how to get off the slippery-slide of bad food choices and back into healthier eating.  Currently, I am struggling with the unhealthy eating.  And by unhealthy, I don't mean I get Maccas every day or have my pantry filled with biscuits and chips, but I am eating a lot of bread products, icecream has become regular and I'm back to considering how "filling" or big a serve is when deciding on a meal.  I feel that I need to get all the negativity out, tidy up my brain so I can move forward and live a healthier, happier life and have a healthy relationship with food.

This week, I quit my job!

This week I quit my job! 😲 It wasn't quite so out-of-the-blue as that, but I loved walking around and telling my work friends "today I quit my job"!  The shock and disbelief was hilarious and it was so much fun telling everyone.  However with that enjoyment is of course the sadness I feel at leaving this incredible group of people whom I've come to love like family.  And then there's the guilt, knowing that I am abandoning those that I work closest with because management think my position is no longer needed...trust me, the workload in our little team of 3 (2 part-timers and 1 full-timer, me) is huge...but of course, management know best.

I am leaving for several reasons.  The main one is that I am concerned for my mental health if I stay....this is the first time that I have ever felt that my mental health is at risk.  In my mind, I've compared my work situation as being like an abusive relationship.  Management uses manipulation and the occasional reward to make a show that you are valued, however in reality they don't care about individuals.  It's a bums-on-seats situation.  If there's a bum on a seat, they don't care about future development, experience, ability or happiness of the person attached to that bum.  There's unashamed and blatant nepotism, narcissism, bullying and favouritism which goes unchallenged.  I am a strong believer in equality, promotion through proven ability and treating people with respect and fairness.  It has been a very difficult work situation for me because my ethical and moral beliefs are the opposite to everything I see, hear and have experienced.  I need to go!

Don't get me wrong, there are people who are happy.  There are those who can shut out what happens around them and happily do their jobs.  There are others who are prepared to sit and ride it out until a change of management comes in.  However, I am not one of them.  I am also not prepared to waste what could be years waiting for a change in management style.

So, 2 days ago, I quit my job!  I love saying that!!!  😆  I am currently studying my Bachelor of Accounting and in a few weeks (providing I survive the term) I will be over half-way through.  In my current work I've been told "maybe, someday, when you're closer to finishing, you might have the opportunity to move up with the accountants...providing something is available of course."  Seriously???  There's no way that I'm sitting and waiting on a maybe possibility to do work that I have already done in previous roles and to do work which I have already demonstrated that I am more than capable of doing.  This is a typical example of their manipulation.  Making meaningless statements to make you feel like you have a future, but which mean nothing.

So, 2 days ago, I quit my job!  How great does that sound?  Of course, there's the fear of the unknown.  The nervousness of not having a job to go to, not knowing what the next opportunity will be, what the next employer will be like and will I have enough money to live on in the meantime.  It's these negative thoughts and emotions which have held me back in the past, but not any longer.

So, 2 days ago, I quit my job!  So, what's next?  I don't know, but I'm excited to find out!  The world is full of opportunities.  

Solo Travelling - It's not for everyone...or is it?

I have just returned from 5 weeks travelling in Europe solo.  Admittedly for 2 weeks I was staying in a village in Sicily where I have many friends, however I only got to know these friends from, you guessed it, travelling alone!  See future blog posts for details on my trip...it was so much fun.

Solo travel can be a daunting prospect, however you can gain so much by attempting it yourself.  To be honest, travelling alone is not so difficult....hmmm, maybe I shouldn't say that too much, it's so great getting all the compliments of "how brave", "you're amazing", and even "I'm in awe of you".  ;)  OK, so it's not always easy, but there can be so many advantages in going it alone. 


So first up, if you haven't read my profile, I am writing this from the point of view of a single woman in her mid to (ahem) late-ish 40s.  Even though we're now in 2017 it can be difficult to be a single woman travelling alone in the world and there are some places that I would definitely not attempt to travel alone, however I know that some women do travel to these places!  So does this make me a wimp?  Or simply cautious?


Some of the advantages that I have found in travelling alone are: 

• An incredible boost to self-esteem and self-confidence from having navigated from point A to point B on the map and if there are difficulties along the way EMBRACE THEM because the feeling of accomplishment is a huge adrenaline rush of happiness at the end of the day!  I have had moments where I just wanted to sit down and cry, but when you're on your own you either have to plough through or quit...and I'm not a quitter.
• You can go where you want, see what you want, sleep where you want, eat what you want....whenever you want.
• You meet amazing people along the way who are more than happy to stop and chat, have a meal or a drink and maybe even pass the time with you if you want company to visit one of those beautiful monuments.  People are more likely to talk to you if you're alone so don't be afraid to strike up a conversation with the person beside you, the cashier at the supermarket, buskers in the street, police...you name it, most people are more than happy to pass the time and talk to you about their own adventures and the best places to go and see/eat/drink/etc. in their little part of the world.
• People think that you are amazing / courageous / strong...insert your own positive pronoun here...for travelling so far from home all alone.
• It's amazing how strong (mentally) you become when you don't rely on others for help or company.

 

Some of the disadvantages can be:

• Loneliness - yes it can get lonely at times and sometimes you want someone to share memories of that special place...but for me this has been fleeting and passes very quickly and the more I travel, the less it occurs.
• Carrying suitcases/packs up several floors in older accommodation with no elevators...yes, this is the main time I wished I had some company!
• Extra expense - in most places a single room costs as much or almost as much as a double/twin room.  It can become a lot more expensive to travel alone...however if you intend to stay in dorms then this is not an issue.

 

Blood Sugar Diet - 1.5 weeks down, 6.5 weeks to go!

I know, I should be reviewing a week at a time, but I am time strapped so I need to do my blogging as time permits.  Currently I am between University semesters and madly trying to spring-clean the house (which is far dustier than I hoped), trying to do some bookings for my European trip next year and of course the ever present WORK!  If only I could cut out work, I would have everything else done easily.  :)

So, since I last wrote, I have now completed another week.  I am now on day 12 (I think).  So here's a quick overview of what's happened in the last week.

• Day 5 - Sunday - a day for sleeping in?  a day for family activities?  No.  For me, today was a day of cooking.  Cooking heaps of my favourite healthy meals for freezing and eating during the next week or so.  Once I start Uni Semester 3 I will need these meals and won't have nearly as much prep time on the weekends.  Surprisingly I was able to hold off eating until 11am.  And that was with me cooking up a storm.  I decided to try and do the 16:8 eating today.  That is, 16 hours fasting between meals with eating during an 8 hour window.  I made it to 15 hours and then decided that I needed to eat.  Again, no weight loss.  So disappointing, but I know that the body fluctuates with fluid so I will just have to persevere.  Had a good day eating.  Wasn't too hungry and ended the day on less than 1000 calories.
• Day 6 - another 1kg gone - total of 3.4 kilos in 6 days....I have NEVER lost so much weight, so fast....First working week day.  Prepared with all my foods before work I managed to stick to the plan.  Ran 3.1km after work and felt good.  I haven't been doing much running lately so had heaps of energy, just the legs were struggling a bit.  Gave myself a little extra to eat as I can generally eat the everything in sight after running and ended the day on 887 calories. 
• Day 7 - another 400gms lost.  Amazing!  Feeling good.  Ended the day on 771 calories and did a 5km walk with a friend.  Feeling great!
• Day 8 - Exactly 1 week done and 4kg lost - no weight loss today, but happy with 4kg.  My body is stressing though.  I have started a strange "that time of the month" 2 weeks early.  Very light, but with cramping and not feeling well.  Also migraine today.  Not sure if it's from diet, or stress of the roadworks they're doing outside my house.  Lost access to my driveway on monday night and returning after dark last night I couldn't find the entrance.  This is a rural area with no Street lighting and a busy highway.  Was very stressful.  Ate a lot more today.  Probably closer to the 1200 calories as with a migraine I felt I needed some more carbs.  This diet isn't just about weight loss it's about reducing sugar so sugar and carbs have been minimal.
• Days 9-10 - No more weight loss, but still experiencing that strange TOTM (time of the month), headache has slowly receeded and starting to feel better.  Haven't done any more exercise, but sticking to the calories.
• Day 11 - Saturday - feeling a lot better.  Pain and discomfort in stomach gone and have more energy again.  I think my digestion has been stressing too.  Hopefully my body will get used to this new way of eating  Managed to more or less stick to calories until I broke out the block of dark chocolate I thought would be a treat, but thought would last awhile.  I was WRONG.  Once I started eating that bad-boy I had to keep on eating until it was finished!  Wow, I have some bad will-power.  Better not to buy the stuff in the first place.  Lesson learned.  Only buy small bars if I intend to eat any type of chocolate.  Luckily was only a 100gm bar of Lindt and not the 250gm bar of Cadbury's.
• Day 12 - today - finally another weight loss.  Another 400gms gone despite the chocolate.  Probably that won't hit the hips until tomorrow.  Trying to not eat too much today.  It's only 10:40am and I've had about 250 calories so far and craving all types of bad stuff.  May be a difficult day today.  I wonder if that sudden intake of sugar last night has awoken those naughty cravings again.  Goes to show how easy it is to fall off that wagon and not jump back on. 

Overall I am finding this diet fairly easy.  I am really not feeling terribly hungry so it shows how much my eating is driven by habit.  I am taking things easier on the weekends, but I am trying not to overdo things.  During the week is reasonably easy.  I did go over a few times this week, but I think it's important to listen to my body and I know that my migraine would just get worse if I didn't eat something solid.  Maybe I didn't make the right choices, but I tried to keep those "bad" choices less bad by not indulging in junk or sugar.  I just indulged a little in some oven fries and a wrap at lunch.  Calorie-wise I was not too bad.  I am also eating a little rice with some meals during the week.  It's Doongara, or "clever" rice, which is low GI and so I think is not so bad.  I am not fanatical as some and if it effects my weight loss well so be it.  As long as I keep close to the 800 calories I know that my weight has to go down.

It's 2 weeks exactly until I go over to Heron Island for 5 nights.  I am so excited!  This is my favourite place on the planet and I feel I'm going to my "happy place".  I am planning to take some snack foods with me.  Some berries, and healthyish sorts of snacks including some bagged lettuce, tomatoes and tinned tuna.  I know that this will be a difficult week as I am limited to what is available in the restaurant there and as it's a vacation (my first this year) I intend to enjoy myself including eating nice things and having the odd drink & cocktail.  I will be trying to do 2 meals a day instead of 3 so we'll see how I go.  I just hope that the extra exercise of swimming and walking, maybe even running, around the Island helps to burn off the extra calories.

 

Rapid weight gain....rapid weight loss???

Such a long time between writings...I did warn you in my profile. :(  2016 has been an incredibly busy year.  Once again, some madness took hold and I started studying Bachelor Accounting as well as working full-time, trying to be fit by running or doing gym most days and still driving over an hour each way to and from work!  The result of this is that I am now exhausted...and I've not kept up with fitness the last 3 or so months and I've put a heap of weight back on.  I almost cried when I jumped on the scales after a long break and realised how bad it'd gotten again.  I am not a quitter, but at that point I came close to giving up this losing battle of trying to control my weight.  It seems that I am destined to be forever overweight.  But maybe not...hopefully not.... 

I've got hold of a new diet.  Now, I'm not one for fad diets.  They do not work, or if they do work it's very short-lived in my experience.  So I've always opted for the eat healthy, watch calories and do as much exercise as possible way of life.  But weight-loss has always been slow and doesn't stay lost...it's so frustrating.  A week ago I came across Michael Mosely's Blood Sugar Diet.  800 calories per day which guarantees fast weight loss.  800 calories does not sound much and I wondered if I could do it, but thought it worth a try.  I'm now on day 4.  Being a weekend I know I will struggle with 800 calories so am already prepared that I will go over, but will try and keep it under 1000 each day.  That way I should still lose, but maybe not as much.  I thought I'd share my journey on this diet:

• Day 1 - was pretty easy.  I planned out my calories exactly and kept to them.  Other than a little hunger I didn't have any real problems.  By about 4pm I had a bit of a headache.  It felt like I had something sitting and pressing down on the top of my head.  Was annoying, but not unbearable.
• Day 2 - 1.2kg gone!  I know, you're going to say it's all fluid and yes, I drank a lot of water yesterday and I was up and down all night to the loo, but feeling good despite lack of sleep.  Today was another good day.  Stuck to calories and ended on 760 calories for the day.  Had a bit of diarrhea tonight.  Think my digestive track is trying to adjust to lack of processed carbs.
• Day 3 - woke up at 1am, wide awake and ready to bounce out of bed, but HUNGRY!  I was so, so hungry!  After an hour of tossing and turning I got up and had a piece of cheese.  Needed to do something as I need my sleep if I'm to function at work.  Went over calories, but not too badly.  Got up at 6am and another 1.2kg gone!  Woo-hoo...imagine if I keep losing at 1.2kg per day?  I'll be skinny before I know it!  :)  Ha, ha...not possible to maintain.  Another bout of darrhea and some discomfort in lower intestinal reagion for most of the morning.  Day 3 was very difficult.  I think my digestive track is now empty and I was so hungry.  Still managed to stick to my calories (or maybe a litte over), but it was a long day.  The hunger passed after dinner and I felt good going to bed and no hunger issues during the night.
• Day 4 - Sadly, no weight loss today, but I think I must be retaining fluid now.  Drank heaps yesterday and last night, but output doesn't seem to be keeping up.  My body is still adjusting.  Saturday today so already planning a little extra today, but want to stick as close to 800 as I can.  Going to do some cooking and freezing of soups and other meals. 

I think this diet is definitely do-able, but requires a lot of planning and will-power.  I want to get a big weight loss before the Christmas eating season and my trip to Europe in April.  I am already finding after about day 2 that I had heaps of energy despite the hunger on day 3 and I feel fine today.  I will keep you posted.

For more info on Michael Mosely's Blood Sugar Diet, visit his website https://thebloodsugardiet.com/

 

What a shocker of a week!

So many senseless acts committed in one week.  So many people dead, families torn apart and ordinary people shocked and saddened at what's been happening in Australia and around the world.

The senseless and shocking hostage crisis in Sydney ending with 2 brave and innocent people dead because of one person's madness and his distorted view of the world and how we should live our lives.  Lindt Café Manager Tori's bravery in trying to get the gun away from the madman cost him his life, but by accounts this was the pivotal event which led to the storming of the café by police and the saving of so many lives including those of pregnant women and their unborn children.  With sadness we learnt of Katrina's bravery in shielding her pregnant friend during the shooting only to lose her own life in the process.  It's always heart-warming in these situations to hear about the courage of others while putting their own lives are in peril.  It makes me wonder how I would react in a similar situation.  I hope that I would have the bravery to stand up for others and not allow the actions of a madman or minority group to destroy my spirit.

Then there are all those poor children executed as they were trying to get an education in a country where it is difficult for this to happen.  Children in the western world complain when woken in the morning and forced to go to school and hopefully learn something.  Going to school is a right they take for granted and often complain about and parents are in trouble for not seeing their children go to school regularly.  But in a country like Pakistan it can be difficult if not impossible for children to go to school and particularly if you are female.  But to kill innocent children in revenge for military action....where is the justice?  How can these monsters look themselves and their families in the eye and justify such brutality?  How can the survivors of this attack return to school and innocent childhood ploys when they must always be living in fear and waiting for another such attack?

Then last Friday, close to home...far too close for comfort...8 children killed, allegedly stabbed &/or smothered by their mother.  As I sat at work 10 minutes away this horrible act was taking place.  I don't feel anger at this act, I just feel an overwhelming sadness for the 8 children and sadness and confusion for the mother as I wonder what happened to make her commit such a terrible act on her own children (7 of her own and 1 niece).  Was it mental illness, lack of support, drugs????  There are talks of erratic behaviour leading up to the incident and the possibility of drug involvement (ICE).  ICE one of the most dangerous drugs ever created has a reputation of completely changing people to make them incredibly aggressive, is reputed to be highly addictive and seemingly is out of control in society, but I was not expecting to hear of its suspected involvement in this case.  I am trying to understand why people want to poison their bodies and lose control of their behaviour with such a drug.  If it wasn't drugs what demon made this woman do what she did?  My heart bleeds for the lives lost, for all of life's experiences these children will never know.  As always a voice in my head screams..."if you didn't want them, just give them to me to love and look after".

And then yesterday the murders of 2 policemen sitting in their police car in New York.  A senseless revenge killing by someone who decided he was above the laws of his society.  That revenge was the only answer he could see for a just world...a 2 for 1 killing of police.  Where is there ever justice in taking the life of an innocent person?

I call these acts senseless!  To me they have no sense.  Where is the sense in the deaths of so many innocent people.  Where is the honour and bravery in these events?

On top of these senseless acts we have the deaths of 2 young people in the region.  The 18 year old spearfishing on the reef and attached by a shark.  Then the 30 year old free-diver drowning while snorkelling also on the Great Barrier Reef.  So many young lives ended too soon and so close to Christmas.  Christmas is a time when Christians celebrate life with friends and families, but now there are so many families when Christmas will never be a time of complete joy again.

I wish everyone a peaceful and joyful Christmas.  To the victims of these tragedies and their families and friends, I wish you to find peace if not Joy this Christmas and I ask for a stop to senseless violence.

 

Brand New Blog!

So, it's a brand new day and a brand new blog...the 2nd this week!  This name came to me as I was driving home and I realised it suited my personality much better.  So, I've copied over the posts I originally published under "What the Hellooo" and have amended this first post. 

What's in a name?  I think Shakespeare asked that question.  Well, I wanted a name that meant something, but also meant nothing.  That I could use to write about anything and everything I'm thinking and doing, but didn't sound stupid and is just a little bit catchy.  Well hell-ooo I think I have more or less achieved that.  The thing that frustrated me was that some really great names were unavailable, but when I did some checks to see what the blogs were about, they were blogs which were not actually being used.  People had created a blog, obviously with the intention of starting to blog, and then either posted one blog post or nothing at all.  Such a waste of great names!  Hey, blogger.com, perhaps you should look into closing down these blogs which haven't been posted to in several years and make the names available to new users....just an idea here.

So the meaning of this blog title...well I have what I consider a "grasshopper" mind.  My mind teams with ideas and questions and thoughts and I can jump from subject to subject virtually without taking a breath just like a grasshopper bounces around the room when you're trying to catch him.  I don't believe this makes me any more or less intelligence than others and at times I do have trouble concentrating on one subject, but it does stop be getting bored with life.  There is so much to learn in this beautiful world of ours!  :)